Rocky Mountain High

I arrived in Winter Park, Colorado this afternoon for a week of skiing and relaxing with my good friends. We drove in around the winding mountain roads and I could hardly contain my excitement... Each time I come to the mountains I am reminded just how much I love them! I feel so refreshed and content. It feels as if I can breath easier and I feel lighter and more free. I also feel so much closer to God. I am able to look up at the mountains in awe and witness something that only God could create. It is like living proof- not that I need proof since FAITH is believing in something that can't always be seen or touched, but still it's proof- that there is no disputing the fact that there is a God who created the Heaven and the Earth and all the people. I know I sound crazy, but it is so inspiring to me!

It is so nice to be away right now... away from school, the routines of everyday, responsibilities, family and worries. I am making it my mission to take it easy, not stress and have fun! I need this right now more than I could have imagined.

This time of year has sparked in me something unexpected and disheartening. Without warning I was stormed with emotion and anxiety that stems from the heartache of what happened in my previous relationship. The white Bradford pear trees and the green sprigs of grass and the blooming tulips and daffodils were the start of things. Then as I prepared for Spring Break and a trip to stay with Brittany, I realized from where the anxiety and sensitivity were coming. It was this time last year when my life changed and my heart broke in a way I hadn't imagined. I had a three year relationship in which I had poured myself and my time and my love and it had been dumped out and left in ruins for me. I ached for months over what had happened and my prayers begged God to make it a bad dream and to restore the relationship. I missed the person I had fallen in love with and learned to spend my days and nights. I couldn't make sense of my future without the person with whom I had hoped and believed I would spend eternity. Slowly, I began to overcome the depression and the grief of losing someone I loved very much. It took time and counseling and friends and God and faith. And in the end it was all for the better. I had a wonderful year. I learned more about myself than I knew I could learn. I became independent and strong. I value relationships more than ever and strive to tell people how I feel about them. I learned to live for today and let tomorrow take care of itself, for we all know it will. I learned so many lessons, but these are for a different post... Though my world was turned upside down, I grew and became more like the woman God intends me to be. I met an amazing guy that melted my heart and made me feel like a silly girl in love. But, then why? Why am I struggling now? Why am I so anxious that things will not turn out and that this spring break will be a replay of last years' events?

My counselor, who has become a spiritual mentor of sorts, suggested that I discuss these emotions with my current boyfriend and plan something special for us to look forward to upon my return home. I felt confident that this was a great suggestion and thought carefully about how to talk to him about what was going on with me without making him feel inadequate or as if I were being nostalgic and missing my ex. So, last week we went to dinner and I talked at length about where I was coming from. Instead of reassuring me, he confirmed my fears. He responded by explaining what he disliked about me and as my eyes overflowed with tears he grew frustrated by my response. I was devastated and heartbroken and left with more confusion than before the conversation. Things did not improve before my departure and now I am left to contemplate the situation hundreds of miles away. We haven't spoken since I left and although I have tried to call him, I have not heard from him at all. Although my heart is broken, I am disappointed in his response to my raw emotions and my vulnerability. I had hoped for something different and am not sure what to make of the current situation.

Now, back to the mountains and this peace... There is not a trip that could be better fit to help me right now. Here I am, close to God, inspired by His creation and His greatness... and with my ear tilted up I ask Him, "Now what? What am I supposed to do? Why?" I am hoping and praying for an answer, for His grace, and His unconditional love. I am left to be faithful and patient and open to what is to come...