I have said many times in the last few months that I feel as if I am grieving something... I am not sure what that could be. Sure there has been a death in my family. My dear uncle and godfather, Uncle Macky, passed away in December. As much as I loved him, he was never a daily presence in my life and therefore couldn't be what I am grieving. I know I recently experienced another break-up, but I know this one is for the best. I know that I am where I am supposed to be... So, could it be the painful break-up I experienced over a year ago with Keith? Yes, I miss him. Yes, I wish it could have ended up differently and I still find myself disappointed at times with how things ended. But, I healed by the grace of God months and months ago from that loss. I trust in His plan. I know and feel His presence by my side at all times. So, what? What is it that I am grieving?
I had such different expectations of how my life would play out. I knew I would be a doting mother to a few little kiddos, a loving and caring wife and a good Christian woman. I knew that I would surround myself with sweet friends and their many children and loving spouses. I knew that I would have a dog or two, to spoil wildly. I knew that I would forever be picking up new hobbies and trying new things. I knew I would go on grand adventures with the best girlfriends around. I knew that I would find joy in the small things. I knew that I would love sweets more than working out. I knew that I would paint the rooms in my house many different colors and change my bedspread and room decor more often than most do laundry. I knew that I'd always laugh hysterically with lifelong friends, cry at cheesy movies, and stay up late only to regret it in the mornings. There are so many things I knew... Yet, when I look at that list, I called it all. I do all of those things. There are only two things missing in this picture, two things that leave my life feeling horribly incomplete. I have yet to become that loving wife. There has not been a man with whom I can spend my future and love unconditionally with all of my being. I cannot be a doting mother without children. I can love my dogs like crazy, yet it could never be the same. This, right here, is what I am grieving...
I am grieving those dreams, expectations and joys. I am grieving the companionship for which I ache so desperately. And those two things, they leave me feeling lost and lonely and sad. I know in the deepest part of my heart and soul that I am here on this earth to love. I have so much love to give and so little opportunity to give it. Okay, so on this note, I have to ask myself is this my own doing? Did I get here on my own accord? Am I passing up opportunities that may be right in front of me? I pray that if this is the case, that my eyes are opened and my heart is led to the right place...
For many years, I have known that I want to give of myself somewhere. I have also known that regardless of my situation, I love children more than anything in the world! For many years, I have also researched online and otherwise, about foster care. Knowing that I have so much to give, knowing that I can love any child as if it were my own, and knowing that my love is spilling over, I expected that eventually I would participate in foster care in some way.
Last year, around this time, I was preparing to begin nursing school. I was also picking up the pieces of my life and trying to make sense of things after great disappointment. I remember feeling God place it upon my heart that I was to pursue fostering once nursing school was over. I also remember reading my Bible one night and finding a verse about writing down what God calls us to do, so that we cannot forget. I did just that. And now, nursing school is nearly over. I have made it through the program and not only made sense of my life but found purpose in the pain. Grieve, as I might, I get it now. I am grieving what I once expected, but am prepared to follow what God has in store for me.
Today, while thinking about where I've come and where I am going, I felt God tugging at my heartstrings. I felt Him tell me to call... So I did. And I am going to begin this journey, or continue it, which I guess would be a better description. I am going to start the approval process in order to participate in foster care in some form or fashion. Whether it be respite care, foster home care, or otherwise, I know this is right. God is pulling me here and I cannot help but follow Him. I have prayed hard over the last few months. Praying that God would show me where to go, He is answering my prayers. Though things are so different than I'd expected, I cannot argue that there is not a purpose. I am here to obey and listen, so that God's will may be fulfilled in my life.
Tonight, I got in bed and began to read the many blogs that I follow. On one of my favorite blogs, I found this video. It stirred in my heart, all the work that God has been doing.
May His will be done...
Jennifer
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Not my world, not my way
Easter Sunday is such a beautiful day with even more beautiful meaning. Today is the day that Christ rose from the dead. It is the day that all my sins were forgiven. What a wonderfully amazing thought! Thousands of years ago, before anyone else even knew I would exist, He died and rose again for my sins and all of those that believe in Him. I can't help but feel amazed and grateful.
I went to church last night with Kyra and found myself with permanent goose bumps. It was a beautiful Easter service and a reminder of all I have in which to be thankful. So much over the last year has been disappointing. I feel as though as soon as I have found solid footing again, that I am knocked down. Each time that I can catch my breath, the wind is knocked out of me again. As soon as I find a happy place, a moment of contentment, my world is turned upside down. My world. That is a funny thought. I realize that it isn't my world. It is all His. His world. His plan. His creation. His purpose. His timing. His way.
The Easter sermon focused on Luke 24:15. "As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; but they were kept from recognizing him." God kept them from seeing Jesus. They weren't ready, maybe. Or maybe it would have changed things. God, and only God, knows. Pastor Craig asked us "Can you see Him?" And he prayed "He who has eyes, let him see." The sermon was so powerful to me. It spoke into my heart and reminded me again that no matter how alone I feel, I am never alone. No matter how upside down it all feels, it is right side up in God's eyes. I do not have eyes to see, but my faith is strong. There is faith in believing. And I do believe. I believe in Him. I believe that Christ came and that today was and is a celebration of Him; a celebration of His death, His sacrifice, His life and His love. Faith. Faith that He is here. Sitting with me at this very moment. Waiting for me to see. Waiting for me to let Him show me. I do want to see. I ache to see all that He has planned for this life. I ache to know Him better and love Him as He so dearly loves me. I ache to find peace in His timing.
Pastor Craig also brought up an interesting thought. He talked about how we can so clearly see Jesus and His love for us in the past when we look back. But in the present, it is difficult to see Him. Life isn't ever what we planned. In fact, that truth is the heart of one of my favorite quotes. "The more we plan, the harder destiny hits us" -unknown. Isn't that so true? So in the Easter sermon, when we heard Luke 24:19-21, I felt the power of it deep down in my heart. Verse 20 says "but we had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem Israel." The disappointment is there. It cannot be missed. It echoes inside of me and I feel what the Israelites felt when Christ died on that cross, was buried and then was missing from the tomb. Where is he?!?! Sometimes that is what my heart cries. At times I want only to scream out to Him, "where are you?" But then, as the Bible goes on to tell us in Luke 24:31, 45-47, "Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight... Then he opened their minds so they could understand the Scriptures. He told them 'This is what is written: The Christ will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, and repentance and forgiveness of sins will be preached in his name to all nations." He was there with them all along. They just could not see. Christ has a plan for me and my life. I am certain of it. I do not have eyes to see His workings. I can see Him in the past. I can see His blessings and that He has carried me through the last year. Without Him, I surely wouldn't have made it. But in this moment, though I know He is here, I cannot see. There is so much I cannot see. I pray that my eyes are opened and that my mind is opened to Him and His world, His kingdom, His purpose, His love.
I love the Lord, my God, with all my heart. I am thankful for each day He has granted me and each precious moment within them, for all the many blessings and loved ones in my life. But my life is not as I had hoped. I hoped that at this age of 29, I would be a wife to Godly man. I had hoped that my life would be blessed with little children and that motherhood would be my passion, my profession, and my life. I had hoped to make my husband a happy man, to love him all my life. I had hoped. I... had... hoped. It is that simple. Or is it? It isn't simple at all. Just as I explained before, I am grateful. I know I am blessed. I believe. But... Why does there have to be a but? But I wanted something different, something more, something better. But... there isn't anything better. For this, THIS, is God's will. Hard as it may be. Disappointing as it may be. Depressing as it may be. Lonely as it may be and wrong as it may feel. All that matters is this one thing: It is God's world, God's will, God's time, God's way.
I went to church last night with Kyra and found myself with permanent goose bumps. It was a beautiful Easter service and a reminder of all I have in which to be thankful. So much over the last year has been disappointing. I feel as though as soon as I have found solid footing again, that I am knocked down. Each time that I can catch my breath, the wind is knocked out of me again. As soon as I find a happy place, a moment of contentment, my world is turned upside down. My world. That is a funny thought. I realize that it isn't my world. It is all His. His world. His plan. His creation. His purpose. His timing. His way.
The Easter sermon focused on Luke 24:15. "As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; but they were kept from recognizing him." God kept them from seeing Jesus. They weren't ready, maybe. Or maybe it would have changed things. God, and only God, knows. Pastor Craig asked us "Can you see Him?" And he prayed "He who has eyes, let him see." The sermon was so powerful to me. It spoke into my heart and reminded me again that no matter how alone I feel, I am never alone. No matter how upside down it all feels, it is right side up in God's eyes. I do not have eyes to see, but my faith is strong. There is faith in believing. And I do believe. I believe in Him. I believe that Christ came and that today was and is a celebration of Him; a celebration of His death, His sacrifice, His life and His love. Faith. Faith that He is here. Sitting with me at this very moment. Waiting for me to see. Waiting for me to let Him show me. I do want to see. I ache to see all that He has planned for this life. I ache to know Him better and love Him as He so dearly loves me. I ache to find peace in His timing.
Pastor Craig also brought up an interesting thought. He talked about how we can so clearly see Jesus and His love for us in the past when we look back. But in the present, it is difficult to see Him. Life isn't ever what we planned. In fact, that truth is the heart of one of my favorite quotes. "The more we plan, the harder destiny hits us" -unknown. Isn't that so true? So in the Easter sermon, when we heard Luke 24:19-21, I felt the power of it deep down in my heart. Verse 20 says "but we had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem Israel." The disappointment is there. It cannot be missed. It echoes inside of me and I feel what the Israelites felt when Christ died on that cross, was buried and then was missing from the tomb. Where is he?!?! Sometimes that is what my heart cries. At times I want only to scream out to Him, "where are you?" But then, as the Bible goes on to tell us in Luke 24:31, 45-47, "Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight... Then he opened their minds so they could understand the Scriptures. He told them 'This is what is written: The Christ will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, and repentance and forgiveness of sins will be preached in his name to all nations." He was there with them all along. They just could not see. Christ has a plan for me and my life. I am certain of it. I do not have eyes to see His workings. I can see Him in the past. I can see His blessings and that He has carried me through the last year. Without Him, I surely wouldn't have made it. But in this moment, though I know He is here, I cannot see. There is so much I cannot see. I pray that my eyes are opened and that my mind is opened to Him and His world, His kingdom, His purpose, His love.
I love the Lord, my God, with all my heart. I am thankful for each day He has granted me and each precious moment within them, for all the many blessings and loved ones in my life. But my life is not as I had hoped. I hoped that at this age of 29, I would be a wife to Godly man. I had hoped that my life would be blessed with little children and that motherhood would be my passion, my profession, and my life. I had hoped to make my husband a happy man, to love him all my life. I had hoped. I... had... hoped. It is that simple. Or is it? It isn't simple at all. Just as I explained before, I am grateful. I know I am blessed. I believe. But... Why does there have to be a but? But I wanted something different, something more, something better. But... there isn't anything better. For this, THIS, is God's will. Hard as it may be. Disappointing as it may be. Depressing as it may be. Lonely as it may be and wrong as it may feel. All that matters is this one thing: It is God's world, God's will, God's time, God's way.
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