Not my world, not my way

Easter Sunday is such a beautiful day with even more beautiful meaning. Today is the day that Christ rose from the dead. It is the day that all my sins were forgiven. What a wonderfully amazing thought! Thousands of years ago, before anyone else even knew I would exist, He died and rose again for my sins and all of those that believe in Him. I can't help but feel amazed and grateful.
I went to church last night with Kyra and found myself with permanent goose bumps. It was a beautiful Easter service and a reminder of all I have in which to be thankful. So much over the last year has been disappointing. I feel as though as soon as I have found solid footing again, that I am knocked down. Each time that I can catch my breath, the wind is knocked out of me again. As soon as I find a happy place, a moment of contentment, my world is turned upside down. My world. That is a funny thought. I realize that it isn't my world. It is all His. His world. His plan. His creation. His purpose. His timing. His way.
The Easter sermon focused on Luke 24:15. "As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; but they were kept from recognizing him." God kept them from seeing Jesus. They weren't ready, maybe. Or maybe it would have changed things. God, and only God, knows. Pastor Craig asked us "Can you see Him?" And he prayed "He who has eyes, let him see." The sermon was so powerful to me. It spoke into my heart and reminded me again that no matter how alone I feel, I am never alone. No matter how upside down it all feels, it is right side up in God's eyes. I do not have eyes to see, but my faith is strong. There is faith in believing. And I do believe. I believe in Him. I believe that Christ came and that today was and is a celebration of Him; a celebration of His death, His sacrifice, His life and His love. Faith. Faith that He is here. Sitting with me at this very moment. Waiting for me to see. Waiting for me to let Him show me. I do want to see. I ache to see all that He has planned for this life. I ache to know Him better and love Him as He so dearly loves me. I ache to find peace in His timing.
Pastor Craig also brought up an interesting thought. He talked about how we can so clearly see Jesus and His love for us in the past when we look back. But in the present, it is difficult to see Him. Life isn't ever what we planned. In fact, that truth is the heart of one of my favorite quotes. "The more we plan, the harder destiny hits us" -unknown. Isn't that so true? So in the Easter sermon, when we heard Luke 24:19-21, I felt the power of it deep down in my heart. Verse 20 says "but we had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem Israel." The disappointment is there. It cannot be missed. It echoes inside of me and I feel what the Israelites felt when Christ died on that cross, was buried and then was missing from the tomb. Where is he?!?! Sometimes that is what my heart cries. At times I want only to scream out to Him, "where are you?" But then, as the Bible goes on to tell us in Luke 24:31, 45-47, "Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight... Then he opened their minds so they could understand the Scriptures. He told them 'This is what is written: The Christ will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, and repentance and forgiveness of sins will be preached in his name to all nations." He was there with them all along. They just could not see. Christ has a plan for me and my life. I am certain of it. I do not have eyes to see His workings. I can see Him in the past. I can see His blessings and that He has carried me through the last year. Without Him, I surely wouldn't have made it. But in this moment, though I know He is here, I cannot see. There is so much I cannot see. I pray that my eyes are opened and that my mind is opened to Him and His world, His kingdom, His purpose, His love.
I love the Lord, my God, with all my heart. I am thankful for each day He has granted me and each precious moment within them, for all the many blessings and loved ones in my life. But my life is not as I had hoped. I hoped that at this age of 29, I would be a wife to Godly man. I had hoped that my life would be blessed with little children and that motherhood would be my passion, my profession, and my life. I had hoped to make my husband a happy man, to love him all my life. I had hoped. I... had... hoped. It is that simple. Or is it? It isn't simple at all. Just as I explained before, I am grateful. I know I am blessed. I believe. But... Why does there have to be a but? But I wanted something different, something more, something better. But... there isn't anything better. For this, THIS, is God's will. Hard as it may be. Disappointing as it may be. Depressing as it may be. Lonely as it may be and wrong as it may feel. All that matters is this one thing: It is God's world, God's will, God's time, God's way.