I have known...

I have said many times in the last few months that I feel as if I am grieving something... I am not sure what that could be. Sure there has been a death in my family. My dear uncle and godfather, Uncle Macky, passed away in December. As much as I loved him, he was never a daily presence in my life and therefore couldn't be what I am grieving. I know I recently experienced another break-up, but I know this one is for the best. I know that I am where I am supposed to be... So, could it be the painful break-up I experienced over a year ago with Keith? Yes, I miss him. Yes, I wish it could have ended up differently and I still find myself disappointed at times with how things ended. But, I healed by the grace of God months and months ago from that loss. I trust in His plan. I know and feel His presence by my side at all times. So, what? What is it that I am grieving?
I had such different expectations of how my life would play out. I knew I would be a doting mother to a few little kiddos, a loving and caring wife and a good Christian woman. I knew that I would surround myself with sweet friends and their many children and loving spouses. I knew that I would have a dog or two, to spoil wildly. I knew that I would forever be picking up new hobbies and trying new things. I knew I would go on grand adventures with the best girlfriends around. I knew that I would find joy in the small things. I knew that I would love sweets more than working out. I knew that I would paint the rooms in my house many different colors and change my bedspread and room decor more often than most do laundry. I knew that I'd always laugh hysterically with lifelong friends, cry at cheesy movies, and stay up late only to regret it in the mornings. There are so many things I knew... Yet, when I look at that list, I called it all. I do all of those things. There are only two things missing in this picture, two things that leave my life feeling horribly incomplete. I have yet to become that loving wife. There has not been a man with whom I can spend my future and love unconditionally with all of my being. I cannot be a doting mother without children. I can love my dogs like crazy, yet it could never be the same. This, right here, is what I am grieving...
I am grieving those dreams, expectations and joys. I am grieving the companionship for which I ache so desperately. And those two things, they leave me feeling lost and lonely and sad. I know in the deepest part of my heart and soul that I am here on this earth to love. I have so much love to give and so little opportunity to give it. Okay, so on this note, I have to ask myself is this my own doing? Did I get here on my own accord? Am I passing up opportunities that may be right in front of me? I pray that if this is the case, that my eyes are opened and my heart is led to the right place...
For many years, I have known that I want to give of myself somewhere. I have also known that regardless of my situation, I love children more than anything in the world! For many years, I have also researched online and otherwise, about foster care. Knowing that I have so much to give, knowing that I can love any child as if it were my own, and knowing that my love is spilling over, I expected that eventually I would participate in foster care in some way.
Last year, around this time, I was preparing to begin nursing school. I was also picking up the pieces of my life and trying to make sense of things after great disappointment. I remember feeling God place it upon my heart that I was to pursue fostering once nursing school was over. I also remember reading my Bible one night and finding a verse about writing down what God calls us to do, so that we cannot forget. I did just that. And now, nursing school is nearly over. I have made it through the program and not only made sense of my life but found purpose in the pain. Grieve, as I might, I get it now. I am grieving what I once expected, but am prepared to follow what God has in store for me.
Today, while thinking about where I've come and where I am going, I felt God tugging at my heartstrings. I felt Him tell me to call... So I did. And I am going to begin this journey, or continue it, which I guess would be a better description. I am going to start the approval process in order to participate in foster care in some form or fashion. Whether it be respite care, foster home care, or otherwise, I know this is right. God is pulling me here and I cannot help but follow Him. I have prayed hard over the last few months. Praying that God would show me where to go, He is answering my prayers. Though things are so different than I'd expected, I cannot argue that there is not a purpose. I am here to obey and listen, so that God's will may be fulfilled in my life.
Tonight, I got in bed and began to read the many blogs that I follow. On one of my favorite blogs, I found this video. It stirred in my heart, all the work that God has been doing.


May His will be done...
Jennifer