The moon, the stars and the first fireflies of summer

Do you remember being little and counting down the days until summer vacation? I remember those days and returning to school makes the feeling all too familiar. I have been thinking a lot about summer and wishing I could sit back and enjoy what is one of my favorite times of the year. (I know, I know! I have 4 favorite seasons and each holiday is my favorite, but at least I enjoy life, right?)

I spent last summer mourning the end of my relationship and beginning the nursing program that I am about to finish. I sat inside a classroom for 9 hours or more everyday last summer. When I left the school for the day, I sat in my house studying until I went to bed, only to wake up and do it again. I spent many nights waking up every hour or two to dreams of him and then crying myself to sleep again. I struggled to overcome the disappointment and to find happiness on my own again. I learned about loneliness and how to make new friends, about hopelessness and perseverance,about finding value in love and in loss. I discovered that my faith was strong, that I was strong and that I was determined to get through it all. I learned other things, too. I learned how to draw blood, to give injections, to assess patients and to dress a wound. I learned that I was more compassionate than I'd known and that I could be a good nurse. I learned that grades don't matter and that the people I encounter can each teach me a lesson. I saw people survive and people die. I held hands, wiped tears and fought for what I wanted out of life. I learned that nursing instructors don't have all the answers and that many are unprofessional. Some, though, were nice and taught me a lot. I discovered that some friendships aren't worth the fight and others are. I found out that I could meet some special people for the first time and feel as if I'd known them forever. I saw marriages begin and end. I revisited my past as I celebrated 10 years since graduating from high-school. I realized that some of the "coolest" kids from school weren't "cool" at all. I felt hurt and betrayal, and joy and love. I spent weekends at the lake and some alone. I cried, laughed, screamed, whispered, smiled, prayed. I saw God in the ocean, in the stars, in the faces of my friends and in the dark of my room. I felt Him in my life and experienced His faithfulness and grace. I took a cruise, explored a cave, rode horses on the beach and made memories. I took pictures, looked at them, put them on facebook and looked at them again. I LIVED last summer. I was here last summer. And guess what? It was a GREAT summer!

Tomorrow marks exactly two months until graduation from nursing school. It also marks one year since the start of last summer. It is the eve of my summer. What will this summer bring? I don't think I'm going to venture to guess. Even if I did guess, even if I asked a "psychic", even if I thought I knew, I believe that I wouldn't come close to what it will really hold for me. Life is nothing if not unpredictable. My favorite quote says it best: "The more you plan, the harder destiny hits you"-Anonymous. I'm going to let destiny hit me. "HIT ME! DO IT! I DARE YOU!" Whatever happens, last summer prepared me. I know I'll make it through and I'll look back in amazement at what a summer can bring.

Tonight, I took a long walk with a friend and her little boy. We talked and walked and shared what is going on in our lives. We stopped for icecream. (I know it defeats the purpose of walking, but what is summer without icecream?) As we turned onto my street for the final stretch of our walk, I looked up and there, right in front of us, were fireflies! The first fireflies of summer, symbolic in many ways, danced there in the sky. They made me smile and recall seeing them as a small child and wondering what they could be. I knew kids that caught them and smashed them on their tan skin, hoping to glow for a minute. And it worked... But why smash them? Their magic is only magic when they flash on and off over and over again in the dark night. When wiped on skin, the glow lasts for a minute and fades too fast. What magic is there in that? I wish I could have stood and admired the little flashing fireflies all night. They tell me that summer is here, they remind me that even if I feel dark at times that I too can flash my "light" back on, when the time is right. I think I'll let those fireflies, the first of many this summer I'm sure, do all the flashing for now. But, soon, when I'm ready again, maybe when they've all gone away with the arrival of fall, I'll take over. I'll light up with the end of summer, the beginning of a new season (in more ways than one), with joy at the end of school for good, and with hope for what is to come. Maybe my magic will last this time. Maybe it will shine forever. Maybe it won't. But, either way, I know its going to be alright. God is here. He is good. And with Him, I am strong.

When we walked up my drive and began to unload my friend's little guy from the stroller, he looked up in awe at the moon. It was the first time he'd noticed the moon in his short little life. "Ooooh!" He pointed, as we both told him emphatically "Moon!" And then, his eyes seeing the stars for the first time, grew big and bright. "Moon!" he said. "No," we corrected, "stars!" While my friend gathered his things from inside my house, I held him and he pointed over and over at the bright moon and starry sky. He kept whispering "stars, stars, stars." Can you imagine seeing the moon and the stars for the first time? Can you imagine what magic you'd feel you were seeing? I thought, as I held him and watched his excitement and amazement, that his reaction is the closest I'll get to knowing what it will be like someday when I see God for the first time. Right now, though, I'll smile as I remember this little one's first sight of the moon and the stars. I want to look at the world like that. In amazement.

Tonight I'll settle for the moon and the stars and the first fireflies of summer... I'll rest and muster up the strength, with God's help, to not only make it through this summer, but to make it a GREAT summer. A summer to top last summer.

I have known...

I have said many times in the last few months that I feel as if I am grieving something... I am not sure what that could be. Sure there has been a death in my family. My dear uncle and godfather, Uncle Macky, passed away in December. As much as I loved him, he was never a daily presence in my life and therefore couldn't be what I am grieving. I know I recently experienced another break-up, but I know this one is for the best. I know that I am where I am supposed to be... So, could it be the painful break-up I experienced over a year ago with Keith? Yes, I miss him. Yes, I wish it could have ended up differently and I still find myself disappointed at times with how things ended. But, I healed by the grace of God months and months ago from that loss. I trust in His plan. I know and feel His presence by my side at all times. So, what? What is it that I am grieving?
I had such different expectations of how my life would play out. I knew I would be a doting mother to a few little kiddos, a loving and caring wife and a good Christian woman. I knew that I would surround myself with sweet friends and their many children and loving spouses. I knew that I would have a dog or two, to spoil wildly. I knew that I would forever be picking up new hobbies and trying new things. I knew I would go on grand adventures with the best girlfriends around. I knew that I would find joy in the small things. I knew that I would love sweets more than working out. I knew that I would paint the rooms in my house many different colors and change my bedspread and room decor more often than most do laundry. I knew that I'd always laugh hysterically with lifelong friends, cry at cheesy movies, and stay up late only to regret it in the mornings. There are so many things I knew... Yet, when I look at that list, I called it all. I do all of those things. There are only two things missing in this picture, two things that leave my life feeling horribly incomplete. I have yet to become that loving wife. There has not been a man with whom I can spend my future and love unconditionally with all of my being. I cannot be a doting mother without children. I can love my dogs like crazy, yet it could never be the same. This, right here, is what I am grieving...
I am grieving those dreams, expectations and joys. I am grieving the companionship for which I ache so desperately. And those two things, they leave me feeling lost and lonely and sad. I know in the deepest part of my heart and soul that I am here on this earth to love. I have so much love to give and so little opportunity to give it. Okay, so on this note, I have to ask myself is this my own doing? Did I get here on my own accord? Am I passing up opportunities that may be right in front of me? I pray that if this is the case, that my eyes are opened and my heart is led to the right place...
For many years, I have known that I want to give of myself somewhere. I have also known that regardless of my situation, I love children more than anything in the world! For many years, I have also researched online and otherwise, about foster care. Knowing that I have so much to give, knowing that I can love any child as if it were my own, and knowing that my love is spilling over, I expected that eventually I would participate in foster care in some way.
Last year, around this time, I was preparing to begin nursing school. I was also picking up the pieces of my life and trying to make sense of things after great disappointment. I remember feeling God place it upon my heart that I was to pursue fostering once nursing school was over. I also remember reading my Bible one night and finding a verse about writing down what God calls us to do, so that we cannot forget. I did just that. And now, nursing school is nearly over. I have made it through the program and not only made sense of my life but found purpose in the pain. Grieve, as I might, I get it now. I am grieving what I once expected, but am prepared to follow what God has in store for me.
Today, while thinking about where I've come and where I am going, I felt God tugging at my heartstrings. I felt Him tell me to call... So I did. And I am going to begin this journey, or continue it, which I guess would be a better description. I am going to start the approval process in order to participate in foster care in some form or fashion. Whether it be respite care, foster home care, or otherwise, I know this is right. God is pulling me here and I cannot help but follow Him. I have prayed hard over the last few months. Praying that God would show me where to go, He is answering my prayers. Though things are so different than I'd expected, I cannot argue that there is not a purpose. I am here to obey and listen, so that God's will may be fulfilled in my life.
Tonight, I got in bed and began to read the many blogs that I follow. On one of my favorite blogs, I found this video. It stirred in my heart, all the work that God has been doing.


May His will be done...
Jennifer

Not my world, not my way

Easter Sunday is such a beautiful day with even more beautiful meaning. Today is the day that Christ rose from the dead. It is the day that all my sins were forgiven. What a wonderfully amazing thought! Thousands of years ago, before anyone else even knew I would exist, He died and rose again for my sins and all of those that believe in Him. I can't help but feel amazed and grateful.
I went to church last night with Kyra and found myself with permanent goose bumps. It was a beautiful Easter service and a reminder of all I have in which to be thankful. So much over the last year has been disappointing. I feel as though as soon as I have found solid footing again, that I am knocked down. Each time that I can catch my breath, the wind is knocked out of me again. As soon as I find a happy place, a moment of contentment, my world is turned upside down. My world. That is a funny thought. I realize that it isn't my world. It is all His. His world. His plan. His creation. His purpose. His timing. His way.
The Easter sermon focused on Luke 24:15. "As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; but they were kept from recognizing him." God kept them from seeing Jesus. They weren't ready, maybe. Or maybe it would have changed things. God, and only God, knows. Pastor Craig asked us "Can you see Him?" And he prayed "He who has eyes, let him see." The sermon was so powerful to me. It spoke into my heart and reminded me again that no matter how alone I feel, I am never alone. No matter how upside down it all feels, it is right side up in God's eyes. I do not have eyes to see, but my faith is strong. There is faith in believing. And I do believe. I believe in Him. I believe that Christ came and that today was and is a celebration of Him; a celebration of His death, His sacrifice, His life and His love. Faith. Faith that He is here. Sitting with me at this very moment. Waiting for me to see. Waiting for me to let Him show me. I do want to see. I ache to see all that He has planned for this life. I ache to know Him better and love Him as He so dearly loves me. I ache to find peace in His timing.
Pastor Craig also brought up an interesting thought. He talked about how we can so clearly see Jesus and His love for us in the past when we look back. But in the present, it is difficult to see Him. Life isn't ever what we planned. In fact, that truth is the heart of one of my favorite quotes. "The more we plan, the harder destiny hits us" -unknown. Isn't that so true? So in the Easter sermon, when we heard Luke 24:19-21, I felt the power of it deep down in my heart. Verse 20 says "but we had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem Israel." The disappointment is there. It cannot be missed. It echoes inside of me and I feel what the Israelites felt when Christ died on that cross, was buried and then was missing from the tomb. Where is he?!?! Sometimes that is what my heart cries. At times I want only to scream out to Him, "where are you?" But then, as the Bible goes on to tell us in Luke 24:31, 45-47, "Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight... Then he opened their minds so they could understand the Scriptures. He told them 'This is what is written: The Christ will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, and repentance and forgiveness of sins will be preached in his name to all nations." He was there with them all along. They just could not see. Christ has a plan for me and my life. I am certain of it. I do not have eyes to see His workings. I can see Him in the past. I can see His blessings and that He has carried me through the last year. Without Him, I surely wouldn't have made it. But in this moment, though I know He is here, I cannot see. There is so much I cannot see. I pray that my eyes are opened and that my mind is opened to Him and His world, His kingdom, His purpose, His love.
I love the Lord, my God, with all my heart. I am thankful for each day He has granted me and each precious moment within them, for all the many blessings and loved ones in my life. But my life is not as I had hoped. I hoped that at this age of 29, I would be a wife to Godly man. I had hoped that my life would be blessed with little children and that motherhood would be my passion, my profession, and my life. I had hoped to make my husband a happy man, to love him all my life. I had hoped. I... had... hoped. It is that simple. Or is it? It isn't simple at all. Just as I explained before, I am grateful. I know I am blessed. I believe. But... Why does there have to be a but? But I wanted something different, something more, something better. But... there isn't anything better. For this, THIS, is God's will. Hard as it may be. Disappointing as it may be. Depressing as it may be. Lonely as it may be and wrong as it may feel. All that matters is this one thing: It is God's world, God's will, God's time, God's way.

Spring Breaks = Heart Breaks

So what is it with Spring Break and broken hearts? Seems to be a pattern... I would like Spring Break to be exciting and positive, a time to relax and recoup! I guess this is my last spring break though and no longer will I be tormented with this pattern... Hopefully!

I am having a great time in the beautiful mountains and hoping I can return home with a calm and content spirit. Only by the grace of God.

Rocky Mountain High

I arrived in Winter Park, Colorado this afternoon for a week of skiing and relaxing with my good friends. We drove in around the winding mountain roads and I could hardly contain my excitement... Each time I come to the mountains I am reminded just how much I love them! I feel so refreshed and content. It feels as if I can breath easier and I feel lighter and more free. I also feel so much closer to God. I am able to look up at the mountains in awe and witness something that only God could create. It is like living proof- not that I need proof since FAITH is believing in something that can't always be seen or touched, but still it's proof- that there is no disputing the fact that there is a God who created the Heaven and the Earth and all the people. I know I sound crazy, but it is so inspiring to me!

It is so nice to be away right now... away from school, the routines of everyday, responsibilities, family and worries. I am making it my mission to take it easy, not stress and have fun! I need this right now more than I could have imagined.

This time of year has sparked in me something unexpected and disheartening. Without warning I was stormed with emotion and anxiety that stems from the heartache of what happened in my previous relationship. The white Bradford pear trees and the green sprigs of grass and the blooming tulips and daffodils were the start of things. Then as I prepared for Spring Break and a trip to stay with Brittany, I realized from where the anxiety and sensitivity were coming. It was this time last year when my life changed and my heart broke in a way I hadn't imagined. I had a three year relationship in which I had poured myself and my time and my love and it had been dumped out and left in ruins for me. I ached for months over what had happened and my prayers begged God to make it a bad dream and to restore the relationship. I missed the person I had fallen in love with and learned to spend my days and nights. I couldn't make sense of my future without the person with whom I had hoped and believed I would spend eternity. Slowly, I began to overcome the depression and the grief of losing someone I loved very much. It took time and counseling and friends and God and faith. And in the end it was all for the better. I had a wonderful year. I learned more about myself than I knew I could learn. I became independent and strong. I value relationships more than ever and strive to tell people how I feel about them. I learned to live for today and let tomorrow take care of itself, for we all know it will. I learned so many lessons, but these are for a different post... Though my world was turned upside down, I grew and became more like the woman God intends me to be. I met an amazing guy that melted my heart and made me feel like a silly girl in love. But, then why? Why am I struggling now? Why am I so anxious that things will not turn out and that this spring break will be a replay of last years' events?

My counselor, who has become a spiritual mentor of sorts, suggested that I discuss these emotions with my current boyfriend and plan something special for us to look forward to upon my return home. I felt confident that this was a great suggestion and thought carefully about how to talk to him about what was going on with me without making him feel inadequate or as if I were being nostalgic and missing my ex. So, last week we went to dinner and I talked at length about where I was coming from. Instead of reassuring me, he confirmed my fears. He responded by explaining what he disliked about me and as my eyes overflowed with tears he grew frustrated by my response. I was devastated and heartbroken and left with more confusion than before the conversation. Things did not improve before my departure and now I am left to contemplate the situation hundreds of miles away. We haven't spoken since I left and although I have tried to call him, I have not heard from him at all. Although my heart is broken, I am disappointed in his response to my raw emotions and my vulnerability. I had hoped for something different and am not sure what to make of the current situation.

Now, back to the mountains and this peace... There is not a trip that could be better fit to help me right now. Here I am, close to God, inspired by His creation and His greatness... and with my ear tilted up I ask Him, "Now what? What am I supposed to do? Why?" I am hoping and praying for an answer, for His grace, and His unconditional love. I am left to be faithful and patient and open to what is to come...

I'm a creeper...

So after creeping on other people's blogs for months now, I decided I should give back to the bloggers that have so generously shared their lives with me and others. I have to admit that my life is not all that exciting, but sometimes there is humor in the unexcitement. It is also my hope that I can keep up with my wonderful friends during this busy time in our lives when schedules don't permit get togethers and long conversations. I long for the times I can sit with one of my closest friends, share tea, and talk about everything, yet nothing at all, without any interruptions. These times aren't often enough... I guess I'll settle for blogging and maybe every once in a while I will even brew some "Blue Sapphire" tea, sit back, and imagine spending time with that close friend.